They describe it as the ultimate shopping and leisure experience, but Bluewater is my idea of hell. I’m a obviously a lightweight. Today we happened to be passing after dropping my eldest daughter back at university. As we drew near, I was reminded of the sirens of Greek legend, devils waiting to ensnare the innocent, but unfortunately we did not stop our ears or tie ourselves to a mast. It was too late. Before we knew what had happened we found ourselves queuing obediently, first on the motorway and then on the slip road, while Audis and BMWs zoomed past only to nudge their way in at the last minute. It could have been worse but it took a further 15 minutes to find a parking space; we had to find one as near as possible because of course we were going to be doing a lot of walking inside. Shopping is hard work.
We entered through the menswear department of a large store. When I saw the red SALE signs everywhere I knew we were doomed. I needed jumpers, my youngest daughter needed shoes and my wife remembered several other things we suddenly needed. “We haven’t bought new bed linen or dinner plates for years,” she said. It was true, we hadn’t. We continued on through halls filled with thousands of twinkling lights, plate glass windows, TV screens, posters of film stars selling perfume and people queuing to pay for stuff. This, I thought, is a place for trendy young men and fashionable young women; yet in this palace of plasticity it was surprising just how many badly dressed people there were. Oh well, what do I know.
The drumbeats were getting louder now, they seemed to follow us into every shop we visited, and the subliminal pressure building in our heads combined with the effort of getting in meant only one thing: we simply had to buy something, if only to avoid visiting again too soon. We were lucky, after spending only 3 hours and a mere £300, we escaped, just – we couldn’t remember which section our car was parked in. Others were not so fortunate, with all those shops, bars, restaurants, cafés, and a cinema, it’s hard to tear yourself away. Bluewater does what it does well, the choice of shops is huge, there are plenty of places to eat, you can park your car nearby (hopefully) and the staff are helpful. It’s like shopping in a big city. But it’s a city without a soul.